Gay Leeds writer Gareth Watson brings you…

                          The Sane Guide to Break-Ups

Now I can’t call myself a break-up expert; and not really a title I want thanks.

But anyway, here I am going to offer what I think is some pretty good, if not mildly amusing, advice on the subject.

How long should it take you to get over it?

A character in a TV show that I’m sure a lot of gay men are familiar with once said that it “takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them.”

Well, I sincerely hope not. I was with my ex for 18 months – so I don’t fancy taking 9 months to get over it. I don’t think there is a set amount of time at all; some people hop straight into their next relationship and some spend months in “mourning.” I certainly can’t say for sure which healthier. But personally I’d rather be over it quickly; just like ripping of a plaster.

Set aside some time to let it all out - I recommend a bottle of wine, or two…or three for £10 (You don’t have to drink them all, enjoy alcohol responsibly kids!) and a good film that’ll make you cry like a baby. Personally I’d go with Mamma Mia.

This helps because you can’t bottle all of your emotions up, but you can’t keep welling up when you’re on the bus listening to the radio, or when you’re sat at work, because, lets be honest, it’s just inconvenient.

I’m not saying after doing this you’ll be completely healed – but it stopped me from crying over every little silly thing.

Don’t do anything crazy – I’ll be the first to admit weird thoughts cross my mind. Listen to the song ‘Not Big’; that is the kind of thing I’m saying not to do. It might be alright for Lilly Allen to go around telling everyone her ex is rubbish in bed; but it’s not for the average person.

As appealing as it is at the time, it’s not going to help you and in the long run you’ll probably just end up feeling like an idiot. Control yourself and make it as easy on yourself as you possible can; because bitterness will get you no where.

Otherwise you’ll end up trying to run at his (or her) car with a hammer. For the record I haven’t personally, but I know someone who has. That’s the kind of thing that will only lead you to the police station.

Don’t read his e-mails/Facebook messages – This one sort of comes under the last one, but I felt it needed an extra special mention. ‘Yes, I still know all of his (or her) passwords! I know what I’ll do…’ You think to yourself triumphantly one night whilst you’re sat on the laptop. No, no, no. This is another thing that seems like a good idea at the time, but just leaves you with that lovely ‘I’m a crazy person’ feeling. Besides, you’re probably not going to find anything that will actually make you feel better. If you discover that he (or she) has been messaging someone else, then it won’t help, and if you discover he (or she) hasn’t got a new flame on the go then you’re still a bit of a paranoid nut-job who has hacked into your ex’s Facebook/e-mail.

Don’t try to make them jealous – This is another that can easily be included in ‘don’t do anything crazy.’ It’s also one that can backfire badly. I have a friend whose boyfriend broke up with her for another woman; my friend got over it and moved on. But a few weeks later ‘the ex’ realised he’d made a mistake and appeared at her work, snogging the face off some random girl (not even the one he’d left her for) in some bizarre attempt to make her want him again. Needless to say it didn’t work, my friend laughed, and he just ended up looking like a fool. Not only that, but imagine how bad he felt when he realised that his cunning plan to win her back had blown up in his face.

Put that chocolate cake down! – Or at least all things in moderation. Comfort eating is the bane of my life. The last thing you want to do is pile on the pounds and end up feeling even worse about yourself. I’d recommend doing exactly the opposite. Eat healthy, exercise, and get yourself a new hair cut. Not for him, not to win him back, but for you. The best thing in the world is to look in the mirror and think ‘Hey, I look pretty good!’

Friends - “You’re not friends, you’ll never be friends, you’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends. Love isn’t brains…” – Another quote from another TV series. Yes I spend too much time watching TV. I think this is true right after your break-up. You need space from the ex, and maybe, depending on the circumstances one day you can be friends. But it’s difficult to get over someone if you’re still trying to be their friend. My parents tried to be friends after they split; they had a drink together one night and, to cut a long story short, the night ended with a phone call to the police.

And finally…

Be you – Whilst you can’t be friends with the ex straight away hopefully you will have some really good friends around you.

I’m not saying forget the relationship ever happened, because no doubt there will have been good moments. I’m saying embrace that, remember the good times, but accept them as something you’re not going to have again.

Go out, be yourself, and make sure you have fun. In my opinion fun is the key to healing; that is how you’ll start to remember who you were before things took a bad turn in your relationship.

Don’t force yourself back on that horse; I know when my relationship ended my first thoughts were along the lines of ‘He doesn’t want me any more, I’m not good enough.’ So to combat that and get my self esteem back up I tried to find someone who did. That was a terrible idea. You don’t need someone to want you to make you feel good. Get your friends around you (and don’t be afraid to use your break up to blackmail them into a night out) and have a good time. You’ll laugh, you’ll dance like a fool and you’ll feel good about yourself again in no time.